Straight Talk About Sex

This post is rated R.  I can't help it; I have to talk about it.  It's something about which I feel so strongly, and I just don't hear this viewpoint put forward often enough.  I know that my position will be offensive to some, and to all of the women who want to stick up for their husbands or sons, I get it.  I really do.  My husband is one of the good guys, too...but he also thinks I'm right about this.

In the first place, you have to buy the argument that male and female are hardwired, in other words, that there is something inherently different about a man's brain from a woman's brain.  I have met very few mature adults who won't cede this point, but they exist.  The classic example is a woman's need simply to talk about a problem and hope for a sympathetic ear, and a man's instant instinct to jump in with possible courses of action.

Well, these differences are reflected in the two genders' attitudes toward sex as well.  Don't take my word for it: pick up any of a dozen studies, turn on Oprah or Dr. Phil, or talk to your clergyman.  I'll wait.  Back with me and convinced of the veracity of that statement?  Okay.  I'm not saying that men don't derive emotional pleasure from sex, and that women don't get anything out of it physically.  However, let's just say that, often, the primary motivation for each gender differs.  Now that you know where I'm coming from, allow me to come to my main point.  It has to do with the epidemic of teen sex in this country, and let me just be clear from the outset: I blame feminism.

Feminism sold women a bill of goods.  In its most militant form, it told them that they were just like men - that they could act just like men, and that they should be able to do so with impunity.  Unfortunately, this attitude ignores the very basic fact of hardwiring.  I'm not going to go into feminism more deeply here. That's a rant topic for another day.  All I'm going to say is that when feminism told women to view sex in the same way that men do, it hurt them far more than it helped them.  Women don't view sex in the same way that men do.  Asking them to pretend otherwise only sets them up for pain, especially when they've been (re)programmed to wonder what the big deal is.

As sad as I think the collateral damage of feminism is to adult women, I think the effect on teenage girls is nothing short of tragic.  I've been saying this since I was a teenager, and the older I get, the more convinced I am that it is true: teenage girls don't get (much of) anything physical out of sex.  Without going into unnecessary details, I think it's pretty clear what I mean.  In the past, it was teenage girls (even women, for that matter) who said no.  The guy pushed things as far as he could go, and the girl held firm after a certain point.  That's just the way things were.  Why were they that way? Well, societal norms had a lot to do with it. Religious upbringings that stressed celibacy until marriage certainly played a part.  You definitely can't rule out the intact family, since girls who have Daddy at home are less likely to go looking for him in some guy's arms.

So what's the antidote? Again, you'll have to grant me that teens having sex is not a good thing.  I don't care if you think sex before marriage, outside of marriage, and every other which way is dandy, if you know a teenager, you have to admit that she is probably not capable of making very mature decisions regarding relationships.  Heck, if you know your average 20 year old, you'd likely say the same thing.  Even if you think that teenagers (male and female) are able to make informed decisions about sex, can we talk about the teen pregnancy rate? Babies having babies? Children growing up without fathers? And, yes, abortion?

So the antidote.  My father taught me the antidote when I was a teenager.  See, I was raised when society still lifted an eyebrow at a pregnant teenager, although we had a couple at our school.  I was raised with a religious viewpoint that stressed celibacy until marriage.  And I did have Daddy have at home.  Still, the thing that made the biggest impression on me when it came to the issue of teenage sex was my Dad's concise summation of men.  So much more than "boys only want one thing, and they'll do anything to get it," my Dad instead told me something I find of great value today.  He told me that I would never understand men.  He told me that even the nicest and most religious boy would gladly take whatever I made available, and that it would always be my job to set the tone in the relationship.  That *that* is where being a nice boy comes into play.  A nice boy respects the boundaries set by a girl, and that it was my obligation to set those boundaries.

Boundaries aren't only about saying, "You can touch me there, but not there." Boundaries are so much more about appropriate clothing and appropriate conversation, and appropriate environments.  They are all about setting that tone.  Do girls today even know what that means? What kind of tone do you set when you wear a skirt that would work better as a scarf? When you wear strapless tops even to church? I know, I know, the well-indoctrinated feminist response is, "I can wear whatever I want. I don't have to change my clothes just so guys won't have dirty minds!" Got some news for you girls: guys are visually driven.  If it's not for sale, don't put it in the store window. Are you really wearing that outfit so a guy won't look at you? Boundaries and tone...

I have so many more thoughts on this topic, but I'll let it go -- for right now.

Disclaimer: I am a practicing Roman Catholic, and my views on premarital sex are governed first and foremost by the teachings and Traditions of my Church.  I don't care if you're a practicing (or fallen away) atheist, wiccan, pagan, animist, or whatever, this post is equally applicable.  I wouldn't want my Catholic friends to think that I didn't understand or was ignoring Church teaching on human sexuality, though!